Reflections While Fasting

I realize now that God is merciful. Not that He is a man in the sky (or even a man at all) that is judging us mercifully. Not at all. But God being consciousness, super consciousness, gives us second chances when we need them. At first what seemed like such hard work and so much effort is proving to be easier than what I was doing before. Before I was making great effort to avoid God...being with God is effortless. Just stop trying.

I slip. I lose my way. I yell at someone. I fall back into old patterns. I thought when I did so that all would be lost and I'd have to start over again but it isn't and I don't. It feels like a miracle that I find myself maintaining the same vibration. It feels incredible that all is still bathed in Love. That is what I mean by God is mericful.

When I was a young girl I read the Bible cover to cover. I was very devout in my faith even when I did not understand it. I tried very hard to make sense out of the verses. Yet only when I turned away from the Church and found other Paths did these verses begin to come to me and make any sense. After I had my spiritual awakening I began to think the Bible was written merely as a means to control people. According to many sources the New Tesatament was edited and added to by a group of people who were planning to start and spread Christianity for their own selfish devices. Yet somehow there is stil something to it. God is Merciful. Love your enemies, Move Mountains, Forgiveness, Turn the Other Cheek. These things come to me as by divine intervention unanticipated at unexpected moments and suddenly they have new meaning.

Organized religion has claimed the Bible to be their own. They claim to be the representatives of this book. Yet the actual meaning within the pages represents the exact opposite of what organized religion is. And one does not even need the book to obtain the messages. The messages come to you regardless. There is a language that is so beyond all languages we could make up. There is, at a core level, words that just penetrate into you and the message is so very loud and clear. You can read the Bible cover to cover every day of your life and never get the message and the messages can come to you even if you never layed eyes on the book.

These scripture come to us and we know we "must document" them and so we do in our humble insufficient echoes the best we can. We use words for what there are no words for. We paint pictures to try and convey a feeling that matches it somehow.

I am on a partial fast. It's not much of a challenge for most I suppose but for me it is a big change. I am only eating brown rice, fruit, and vegetables and only when I really need to eat. I cannot totally fast because I'm still nursing my son. It is definitely making an impact on me. It's amazing how quickly things change. I am feeling guilty for eating some grapes and having a glass of vegeatable juice when just days ago I was scarfing down peanut butter pretzels and ice cream. I did this because lately I can feel everything I eat. If i eat somethign with sugar I feel myself vibrating faster and I feel cloudier. Everything I take in affects everything about me. Food changes our vibrations I suppose. It only makes sense. You are going to be feeling and putting out something different if your body is working overtime to breakdown food or fight off disease. Like so many Americans I have been eating when I don't need ot eat. Just eating because I "want" something. We confuse wanting with hunger. Fasting is a great way to remind yourself that you really have not known what hunger is for quite some time! I got past the inital hunger pangs and the ego's wanting and I have reached a place of great clarity. It seems like s shortcut to being more clear. You have less interference from food, less chemicals. And I feel more in control.

I took a vow of silence the other night. Just for a few hours. It was something I was wanting to do for a long time. I cannot keep it up though because it upsets my four year old. She wants me to speak!!! She is a big talker herself, like my husband. She does not like silence. Myself, I have just had this feeling that so much talking is unnecessary. It is manifesting things that might not need to be. Arguments that would not have been started otherwise. Impressions that would not have been made. Words seem to fill up spaces. Speech Pollution. Maybe that's nuts, I don't know. But I have a great need to be quiet. I find when I am quiet I hear more. I see things from a clearer persepctive. I am observing instead of reacting. When I strayed silent for those few hours I felt so much lighter and cleaner. So now I am trying to see if I can just speak when I really have to, when it is necessary..but not just fill up the space with sounds for no real reason.

A big part of me wants to just meditiate and journal and concentrate fully on my spirituality but I cannot right now because i have little people who need me to play with them, and teach them, and keep their house clean and bellies fed. I have mundane things like school starting in about a week and a nursery that needs painting. I suppose I am just on a roll now I don't want to stop. This should be a good lesson in balance for me instead of going between the two extremes like I always have. I am already seeing such an improvement. I am doing a partial fast and having partial silence. Usually for me it is all or nothing.

My husband and I were very connected and in love yesterday. Blockages to communication were unclogged. We got a notice that our house could be foreclosed on and we almost got into a fight but didn't. He said it was my fault which I went right into dential of and started telling him why it was not my fault and why it was his but I think it is partially my fault for staying home with the kids. I made that deicision on my own. He wanted them to be in daycare. So I think I need to admit to that. Not that I did something wrong but that he is right that I made that deicison on my own. He has been harboring resentment over this for some time. And instead of owning it I have denied it or said "Well all the money I make would go to daycare"..but that is not the point. The point is not that he wants me to work it's that he is upset I made the deciison on my own and did not respect his feelings. I said, "Too bad this is what I need to do! I don't care what you say!" instead of loving and honoring his opinion. Ahhh....it will feel good to repair this long standing wound. Then we can allow ourselves to no longer be in financial hardship in order to prove our points. Then we can no longer have such a sharp weapon at our disposal- him saying I am not a good mother because I am not working full time and me saying he is not a good father because he wants to leave his children in daycare. Do we say this? Not in words but it has been underlying for quite some time. I did not see this before so clearly but now suddenly I can.

Of course it is okay that all this is happening because I can see it as if I am already past it. I can see why we are going through this and why we have gone through what we did in the past. It has caused us both to grow and learn and evolve.

So I am coming along quite nicely in this moment. All is perfect. I am humbled. Very, very humbled.

Love to all!