Pouring out of emotion

I have some questions going through my mind. I am very upset today, crying while writing this..so forgive me if I don't word this in love and light as so many insist everything on here be written.

I need to know how to trust myself. Obviously I am screwing it up pretty damned good. Every man I have in my life lies, cheats, sneaks behind my back. Yes...yes..yes..I get it..it is ME. I am lying to myself apparently is why this is coming up.

I thought I had always been a very honest person, to the point that many ppl avoid me because I don't sugar coat things and just tell them what they want to hear. I don't trust myself to make it on my own. And to be honest I don't know much of anything anymore. All the things I used to know..no longer apply, or no longer work.

I want to change this..I don't want to have this happen again. What can I do to fix this part of myself? I don't no how to make a living anymore, and I have no job. I don't know how to do anything anymore. Every time I think I have made progress, I step back and see I have miles and miles left to go..just when I thought I was 'almost there'.

I don't know how much more I can handle here. This is the only place I feel comfortable enough to just put this out there..that and at this point I don't think I could hurt more..so just bring it on please.

How the hell do I let go of this..and actually believe and trust in myself?? I look back and can't see any time in my life where trusting myself has worked.

The bottom line is...I just don't believe I can make it alone. I know in my mind I can ..but obviously that is the freakin problem..it's only in my mind..and not my heart. How do I get it there??

I don't know what I want..but I need some love today from someone because I am losing it here alone.

Sheila