Freaky Friday

OMG!! I realize the latest energy alerts just came out, but have to comment for the next one. That and I need some feedback. If I jump around, I apologize, but these blogs don't get written down first. THis is my version of blogging in a journal, which comes out freeform, to get all the crap out of my head so I don't keep thinking about it. That being said...

As some may be aware, mostly because I tend to puke up my feelings, I have had a crappy 2 weeks. I quit smoking in April, and did that first because i figured that habit would be easier to break. The drinking part was going to be harder. First of all, it is my crutch in the evening when I can sit down, and quit doing. It started out because I couldn't sit. I used to have to "do" things all the time, and my now ex was driven crazy by it. Now in looking back, it was probably so he didn't feel quite so inadequate of himself. The last two weeks on two different occasions, I had 4-5 beers and woke up with horrible headaches and aches and pains. The fibro was back in full force. Now keep in mind, slow and steady is always my MO. I don't like to lose control, but to quote Pink Floyd, "Comfortably Numb" is preferable. If the drinking session is slow enough, I can polish off a 12 pack with no hangover.

Yesterday was day 3 of no imbibing. Yep, I am a bit OCD, so I count everything :) Yay for me. Actually it hasn't been such a big deal, really a non-event. No crankinesss, no withdrawals. I didn't "need" to do it - definitely a habit which was no longer necessary and I feel spirit chose to push me out of my comfort zone. It is evidently time for me to move to action, and I was no longer allowed to slack in that area.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good, the pains in my neck and shoulders had subsided considerably. From a 10 to a 2, on a pian scale. I realized something was off as all the animals in the house were completely whacked out. The dogs wouldn't stop barking, fighting and teasing each other and the cats next door. My cats were running around trying to get my attention by giving me love bites and generally distracting me.

My oldest sent me a text to tell me she missed me. Evidently, my sister must have ripped her a new one for being so lazy. (riss has been at my sisters for the last 2 weeks sitting for her son) Kat and Brian asked her to watch Brody, partially to give him a summer with friends and partially I think to get her out of my hair, because she has been driving me crazy. I am one that needs alone time, and she hasn't really left the house in 4 years. Don't get me wrong, she is a normal teen, has friends and goes out, but instinctively, the girls have made sure I have had no friday or saturday nights to myself, unless i do some serious scheming. If I had a date, you can guarantee that Marissa would suddently decide she wanted to be home for the evening. And if she didn't Sam would develope velcro and want to be with me that night.

I have also been back in contact with a dear friend that I love tremendously. Actually, he is the only person I can stand sleeping next to. I never really understood why he exited my life when he did. And while he evidently does not want to start the relationship over he is quick to point out his female friends are "just friends" and he referred to my youngest dog yesterday that he looked like his owner. I emailed a pic of Leo to him last week and he emailed a pic back of himself - ironically, they both had the same stance. Totally hilarious to see it. Yeah, I am a bit confused over it.

My buddy from high school called me last night. His wife is evidently fed up enough that she is "done" He isn't really sure what done means. He made the comment to me last night he wished he didnt have to lie about his habits. He still like the weed. I told him I didn't think he really wanted to be with a woman that didn't care if he smoked dope. Then he said he wished she was more like me... to which I replied I wouldn't be married to him in the first place, because that is a deal breaker for me. I have kids, I don't do it myself, and while I don't judge him for doing it, it is n't for me.

I am not sure how he felt about that last bit.

11:30 last night, my ex called. Drunk as usual. Crying. Asking me to take him back. And then throws in the comment, "are you still fat?" To which I replied, Yep. and he then said, "well, can't you do something about that"

"Nope, I like to eat," I said. "Besides, have you looked at yourself? You aren't exactly svelt and I am a size 8" I mean, lets be realistic. Do I have extra padding? Yep. Do I weigh more than I did in high school? Yep. 30 lbs. 10 from each pregnancy which I lost and the last 30 lbs thanks to food and beverage. Did I tell you I really like beer and wine with dinner??!!!

He is crying, and telling me he loves me. I told him he needs to get clean. He is slowly killing himself and it breaks my heart. I told him we should probably talk about this when he is sober. Of course, he doesn't want to do that.. never does. It is just the 12-2 am wake up calls I get, when he is clearly not in a good place, and standing outside hiding from his girlfriend. I can't imagine the hell she is living in. My friend and coworker John was in town once and went over there for dinner. He informed me that the ex actually treats the girlfriend worse than he did me. Nice, huh?

I cried for a bit after I hung up and looked up at the ceiling and prayed for help for him. And me and everyone.

My question then is, am I being given all of this in one day because I can handle it or am I being tested to see if I would run to the grocery store for a 12 pack last night? I don't get it.

I know some of you probably gasp that I put so much of myself out there. It has kind of always freaked people out, but this is who I am and how I am and I don't apologize anymore for it. If it is something I should be embarrassed about, then I shouldnt be doing it in the first place.

Plus I feel like I have a pretty good grip on things most of the time. I get whacked out every once in a while, but I bounce back pretty quick. I told my fibro doctor this week, "besides. I would like to see anyone go through what i have in the last 4 years and do it any better. I am allowed to slack a bit and have the occasional meltdown." I am not sure if she really agreed with me or not, but that doesn't matter. Actually, I think she did agree, I didn't get the thought otherwise.

Keep in mind, the last 5 years went like this:

Husband moved to another state, I stayed in the frozen tundra for a year to sell the house. It was an old farmhouse with plenty to do and 2 acres to mow and a 1000 foot driveway that faced north. In the winter the snow would bank over the drive. I hate snow-blowing and had to do it by myself for an entire winter. (yeah I know, character building)

House finally sold, moved to another state, got a job with a large financial institution, uncovered some things that should not have been happenning, got promoted to run the dept. Everyone in it hated me because 2 of their co-workers got fired. Ran that for 4 years got things in shape.

In the meantime, my hubby of 15 years decided his size 4 co-worker looked better than I did and left me for her. 5 days after we bought a new house. With a mortgage payment that was double what I could afford.

The divorce took a year and then I moved to my house now. During the last 4 years I get calls from him every so often drunk, in the middle of the night begging me to take him back.

Relationships don't last because the kids are terrified I am going to leave them and the fact that I do talk to the ex and I think that is hard for some men to understand. No, I don't want him back. It truly took me a while to forgive him, but I have and I don't have bad feelings about it. He actually did me a favor. I have found myself in the last 5 years. I am coming into my own and for that I owe him a great amount of gratitude.

My problem, I believe has been to not put my intentions out there. I have kind of floated along the last 4 years with really no clear goal or intention.

Looks like I don't have that option any longer. It should be an interesting ride. K