ALONE

One of my 'doors' on the 'journey inward' has been mythology. Not a specific culture perhaps as much as the Joseph Campbell approach in myth as a whole. One version of that has been looking at my "personal mythology", the patterns, life lessons, relationships, etc that weave the tapestry of my life/lives. One pattern in this life that is very evident is being "alone". Everything from the 'always feeling different' that many of

us have experienced to that of having 'emotionally' divorced myself from my extended family. Close relationships are always very intense for me, the ups and the downs. My own version of Dark Night of the Soul had a huge piece that was finding myself cut off from all loved ones, either by my own attrition or theirs. Most of those were not permanent but the cumulative effect was ego deflating to the Nth degree. That is what

Dark Night of the Soul is sometimes referred to as. For a large part of this lifetime I viewed this as a curse, a shame inducing defect in my make up. Example, I have a brother that one day, when I was in my late forties, I realized he had NEVER come to visit me. We had visited when we were at the same family gathering or such as that but he had not, and has not, ever set out w/ the single goal of coming to me to spend time

in my environment. I confronted him w/ this fact. Confronted him, not aggressively but assertively. He, after some thought, agreed but was unable to offer a reason for it. Granted, we come from a family rich in a tradition of dysfunction and that helped me understand it but not justify it. This was a catalyst for me to begin to exam my life for other patterns of this. I found many and continue to do so. Most people consider me

somewhat eccentric/eclectic but personable. For several years I carried this as a unexplainable burden, to be destined to be "alone". Then a year and a half or so ago, things began to change. As my journey inward continued and my belief system changed, my perception of the burden began to evolve. Today, I see the gifts in it. I no longer set goals of finding some type of relationship, I just let them occur where they may.

Therefore the energy I spent before in the diversion of seeking something outside myself to make me feel whole is spent becoming who "I AM". I can't say I never get those occasional pangs "wanting" someone/something but they are fewer and farther in between. I also believe, being in my fifties now, that taking on the role of an "elder" is coming about and being of service for me flows much easier w/o attachment to people, places and things.

Seems that slowly but surely release of all attachments is manifesting. I say 'slowly' however accelerating each and every moment. And that is a "Gift".

Peace,

Mark