personal journey: fear monger is getting tired

I know it is all going to end, for me. Beginning with the explosion of my car's airbags going off, for almost no reason except that the Universe wanted them to at that precise moment, I have felt things moving from an entirely new form of energy than my life has run by, so far.

All the old patterns of behaviour, thinking and even feeling are moving out, but like ripping off a strong band aid that has been on for too long, this HURTS. My body is in extreme pain today, both with fatigue the like I have never experienced before my accident last month, and with my recurring headache; the result of a whiplash injury many years ago.

But my headache is beyond normal as well, and I feel a vise like grip on my entire head and skull, especially below the jaw line. I have had jaw surgery, for a misshapen jaw and that is something I often attributed to being unable, or being disallowed to say my own thing. Yes I grew up that way, bizarrely so. I put flowers on my Father's grave a few weeks ago, and it was a long trip and serious effort for me to get there yet the whole inspiration came with such a lot of love from somewhere inside me, that I knew my sorrow over everything I went thru at his hands is pretty much healed and maybe over. So almost over, now comes the taking out of the stitches part I guess. A little more pain....

My inner visual about the viselike headache which grips me with a power I cannot describe, are of father's big hands gripping my head on both sides, immobilizing me and I hear him say, No No, not for you, not from you and don't even think of having it your way ever because you belong to me and I will decide what is good for you. Even just writing it down, releases the pressure somewhat. I feel somewhat panicked, but mostly hopeless as if life for me will never be what it could be, I will be left out; an old perception, wanting OUT.

I realize I must endure the pain and discomfort if I want it to leave, permanently I think. I will do so, as I always do but today has a feeling of finality about it, as if even my father's heart is looking at me too saying, please let me go, let me rest in peace for I have no designs on you any longer.

Life hurtles ahead for me these days, with news coming in almost daily. Good thing, for I need many details of my future existence to materialize if I am to have a place to live and a job to perform and so on, by the time I have to leave here, once again. I have to leave my home here soon, which is not a home at all but just a place I stay till I am no longer able to stay there. Like this for years now, with no possibility of resolution except that each place has felt more like what I truly want, and more like I am near the end of an amazing healing phase. Considering all the emotional, physical and mental damage I did sustain over 40 some years, mostly suppressing everything so that it formed one gigantic ball of pain within me, this time space maybe has not been very long at all, it just seems so while I am still in it.

Anyway, the news today was a bit on the bad side, squashing hope I had of a good job for the Fall, and even as I read it and felt the usual despair and hopelessness again, I also felt that this was GOOD news, that things are just backwards and I simply am moving into a final approach now, and will land on the runway of total change soon.

Of course, in my wildest dreams I have a wish for my life, and if that were to come about, soon, it would take complete change in all aspects so that the job I was seeking would have no part in it. Perhaps....it is this that is happening! They say our wildest dreams can soon, and will soon, be available for real, and while I wait for my pain and all the garbage it represents to leave me, I would like to live in that possibility.