Spinning Faster All The Time- Just a Personal Journal Entry

If I failed to answer or speak to anyone lately I am truly sorry. I am in a weird place, although I think we all are. Some things I am experiencing are heart palpitations, extreme fatigue, an inability to get anything done, muscle soreness, and extreme aches and pains. Mentally I am seeing things out of the corner of my eye and having such vivid dreams that I have a hard time remembering if I learned something from looking it up online or if I received the information in a dream. Or I'll be driving along and I'll remember a conversation or an event and I cannot remember if it really happened, happened in a movie, or was in a dream I had. It's as if the two worlds are blending into one. Also having panic attacks when I drive on the highway. I am trying to work through those and sit with the fear. It's difficult. Emotionally I feel like things are dredged up that I thought were long dead. Like I am a rebellious teen all over again, I resent people close to me and feel like everyone is trying to take control over me and that everyone is judging me. With my husband he is the rebellious teen and I am the "authority figure." I feel embarrassed and shamed like I was supposed to be past all this. And of course those feelings and thoughts only hinder progress. The other day I told my husband I feel so drained. Like a balloon deflating, there is no air coming in but it's all leaking out. I think it all sounds worse here than it is. It's not all bad and I know it is for a good cause. I have been watching a lot of documentaries and reading a lot about people in other countries and what they go through and the enviroment as a whole. I find myself being more globally conscious all around. I laugh a lot too. And I spin with my four year old until we feel sick. The baby is laughing now too, making him even more Buddha-like. It's just a transiton. Although it feels like I am always in trasition. I move from what I think is a transition into something else and then I think, "Oh now I am REALLY in transition." We may constantly be in trasition- makes sense because really with all we know- how can we ever *arrive*? We simply arrive at another transitional phase and keep moving. At least this is my experience right now. I think I am coming to a new way of being- again I feel like we all are- and so I have to rebel all over again especially against my upbringing and my husband is rebelling against me, not ready for the change. And I am afraid and unsure creating conflict within thus the anger and anxiety attacks.

I have a lot of thoughts in the shower or while I cook and I tell myself "I have to write that down later," but it doesn't happen. Last night I literally fell asleep waiting for a webpage to load!

Anyway though, today's thought was about how one's chemistry affects those around them. First physically- I was thinking about how at the same time my son's poop has become solid (even though he has been on solid food for about a month and I am still breastfeeding) I am experiencing hormonal changes. Something just clicked witin both of us at the same time. And how when women are close to one another they menstruate at the same time. How I used to experience the symptoms of anyone in my family, no matter how many miles away, whenever they were sick. Then of course emotionally how you can feel someone's tension and how the emotions felt in the house affects the people within it so much. I imagine a pallete of emotion. Stress would be coming from both my husband and I- black probably. He is very hyper that would be a bright red. I imagined all the emotions and how they'd mix together chemically and visually and what they'd make and I realized we are weaving together an enivroment for our kids and making this nest for them of emotion and most of the emotions are not very nice- stress, worry, recently anger. I want to fill my home with yellow joy. Anyway, I digress.... I was thinking about how our chemistry affects one another. How I need to control my thought to create the right emotion, which will then trigger emotions in other people and events. And I also realized again how just controlling my thoughts can really change the whole world. Sure, I want to be out there doing things to help people but the most I can do, the biggest way to make a difference is just to control my own thoughts and emotions and by doing that I really change everything. This is soemthing I already knew I guess for a long time but suddenly in my kitchen today I knew it more deeply.

During the hippie era so many minds changed. So much was moving in a new direction and I keep going back to that in my head and wondering why it all stopped. Does anyone have any input on that?