Little Tom - A Heart Healing Dream

May 20, 2008

I dream about a world like Earth. I am looking at the map of the world, from above, but it looks different from the way we are shown on maps. The countries are not aligned the same way that we are shown. I see South America and Spain very near each other, on the same continent, with spain on the western part of South America. The map is not of a "round" Earth, either. The map ends on the right and the land masses do not merge on the left, as they do in our reality. Equatorial Africa is near the right/eastern edge of the map, but it is all by itself, an island continent, not part of Africa, at all. There is also a place with a name like "adventure wilderness", just above it, along the right edge of the map.

I wonder what this Adventure Wilderness place is really like. No sooner do I wonder and I am off viewing this land. It is very interesting, similar to pictures I have seen of England in Spring, combined with images of the Southern USA in Spring. The land is green and fertile and colorful, not really wild at all. It is like a beatuful garden that has been tended well. Not manicured, but cared for and alowed to grow as it was intended.

There is more about how I travelled to this new land that is no longer in my mind, so is not of great import any longer.

The people are dressed in costume from the days of the American early 1930's. Women in chiffon like gosamer dresses, tailored, but sheer and moving with the breeze. The people are generally kind and polite with each other and there does not appear to be any lack of money or food. The rooms are extaordinarly large about 30 x 40 feet, as if we live in a mansion.

I have 2 girlfriends.
One is strident and appears cold and selfish.

She has a very hard time showing her loving nature. She is married to a man named Tom, who she is never happy with, and they have a young boy, about 6-7 years old also named Tom. He is very sweet, as is his father. Her mother also lives with them, but this seems to be fine with everyone. I get the feeling that my friend would have preferred never to have had a child.

My other friend looks very like Emily Lloyd, in the movie "A river runs through it". 

She is happy and sparkles and is funny, always giggling. She has female problems, with her ovaries. They cause her pain. I see her grab her side and I ask if she has done anything about it. She tells me that her doctor is aware and that he checks them, but that there is nothing they can do outside of removing them, which she does not seem to want. I get the feeling that she cannot have children, but wishes she could.

A little farther into the dream, my 2nd friend tells me that the first has died suddenly with her husband. Some kind of travelling accident. Boat, I think. I am shocked that they are gone. It just does not seem possible. As we sit there in shock, talking of it, I suddenly say "what about the boy? What will happen to the little boy, Tom?" and I say that the Grandmother must want to take over care for him. My friend says "No!", that the Grandmother really does not want to have to raise a child all over again. I think she is probably right. The woman is elderly and it would be difficult. I ask if I could have him and I hear "yes!".

The little boy, Tom, comes into the room. He is sweet and charming, and I think that he is so young, that it will be easy to mend any problems and he will adjust well. I ask little Tom if he wants to come over to visit at my house and stay the weekend. It appears that nobody has told him about his parents accident yet, and I feel it would be wise to ease him into the transition by having a visit, first. Tom says yes! and is very excited that I want him to come to my house. He comes over by me and I hug him and my heart fills with love. He tells me that people laugh at him because he has tears in his pants near the zipper in front. I look at the tear and think it will be easy to mend. I tell Tom that my husband also has tears in his pants and that he does just fine and that we can mend them. I am aware at this time that my husband in my dream is also my husband in this life. I think about taking Tom swimming in the garden pond and just for a second, I think how I won't have time to do the things I used to. In the very same instant, I think it does not matter, that there is enough time to do it all and this is much more important.

I look at Tom and move my face forward to his, not kissing him, but bringing my face along side his, almost like a cat, nuzzeling him and smelling his hair and thinking how blessed I am. I also think how misfortune has brought me this blessing and that all is perfect and as it should be. I am also aware that others are looking at me and thinkiing that I will make a wonderful mother. Me, a wonderful mother! My hearts fills up with love and I feel a great healing in my heart. A piece (a *peace*) that was missing has returned and I wake up feeling my heart at peace and a feeling of joy.

==================================

I was abused as a child and have been afraid of being a mother my whole life, because I thought I would hurt my children the way my mother did. I have been pregnant, but aborted twice. The third time, I was afraid of not being ready or something not being right with the child. I asked if there was anything wrong, that the child miscarry. I miscarried on the eve of my birthday, 6 years ago, on May 23. My birthday is this coming Saturday, May 24th and by the time we left the hospital it was the wee hours of my birthday.

My husband and I grieved over this loss, mostly in silence.
I thought this was my fault because I was afraid, or because of the first two abortions, or because I was not ready, or because I would make a terrible mother.
My husband grieved on his own, for reasons of his own. He was adopted and has some issues around that. He loves children very much, but we have avoided contact since my miscarriage. We talked about it and could not figure out what was wrong.
So, we have grieved and blamed, inside ourselves. We both suffered in silence, never wanting to hurt the other. 

The dream is a great healing for me. I do not know if this is another life, or simply aspects of myself that are integrating. I think it may be "about" another life, another world, another place and time. I think that we(my husband and I) experienced some kind of loss around children and that we needed to come into this life to heal that, experiencing that sense of loss and grief, and healing it once and for all.

I told my husband about the dream, when I woke up. I told him that I am perfectly fine with not having children now and that it is as if a missing piece of my heart returned, one that I never knew was gone.
He said that it still bothers him. I said, I know, and that he will have to find his own way through it, deciding if he needs to continue to grieve, or to realize that there is NO GUILT and that he has done NOTHING WRONG and that WE CHOSE to come into this life and experience this, so we could HEAL. He actually seemed to take this in, and think on it. I hope that my dream will help him to find his own healing.

July 12 - 
I hesitated to put this online in May for many reasons. Perhaps, I needed to realize something before I did. I wondered if this would be of value to anyone but me. I hope so. I hope it will be helpful to somebody, sometime in the now.
Anyway, none of the feelings that we HAD are valid anymore. This is just something that we were doing to ourselves, way back then, so that we could learn to let it go. And we were doing to ourselves. It is amazing how much pain we can cause to ourselves. I believe that nobody has ever hurt us, ever. If it hurts, it is because we CHOOSE to feel that pain. It makes no difference whether 1,000,000 people would react the same way. We all CHOOSE what we experience. At least, that is my belief, today, in this moment. 
With this dream, I am beginning to pay more than lipservice to that belief. It has become more REAL for me, my ability to choose pain over pleasure, or pleasure over pain. I still have more to learn about acceptance. I know there are more little pieces to return to my heart, but this was a major change in how I feel inside my heart. I feel love so much more easily, now. I feel joy much more easily, now. I laugh MUCH more easily, now. I look at my love through different eyes, now. My dream was such a blessing and such a healing. I hope to have many more.