Finding Love....

After a brief, but beneficial relationship, I have returned to being single. I am not sad or depressed by this prospect because I have lived this lifestyle for the majority of my adult life. Frankly, I like being alone and independent and being able to live my life for me. There are wonderful benefits to it which I think people forget as they get engaged and walk down the aisle. I am only responsible for me: my finances, washing, spirituality, time, friends, etc. Despite all contentment, I will admit I can be lonely and sometimes feel defective especially around my friends and family who are married and relationships. I am the single minority which seems to spark some type of conversation on this status: they want to set me up with someone, ask about my latest dating adventure or I find myself saying one of the following spiels: 'I have not yet met the right person yet,' 'i will not settle just to get married or be a relationship,' 'why do I need a man to take care of me?' or 'preferring to be alone then be with an idiot.'

Normally, I don't let the 'single woman taboo' bother me, but lately it has been getting harder. As I grow older, I feel like I am being bombarded by society's messages (as well as well meaning friends and family) that if I don't get married or have child- there something wrong with me or that my life will be meaningless. Seventy-five percent of the time I don't buy that logic. However, there is that 25% of the time when I find out an old boyfriend with a fear of committment, is happily cohabitating with someone else. This also takes place sometimes watching my parents, happily married for 40 years, and I realize how much I want the partnership, love, fun and committment found in their relationship for myself. I return to my empty apartment feeling very lonely, unlovable and lacking.

In this state of mind, I find myself falling into the dangerous trap many women (and maybe men) face: dedicating my life mission to finding a relationship. Searching and maintaining a relationship is the key and all other passions, friends, hobbies and sanity fall to the way side. I will search high and low at bars, concerts, the grocery store, the traffice cue next to my car, hiking, Central Park- for a guy, any guy (please be at least employed and smell good), so I don't have to go to bed or face another family barbecue alone.

Then, I wake up the next the morning, mediate, or go on a disasterous date and it all come back to me: I am single right now because I am waiting to meet someone I share a profound connection with spiritually, intellectually, mentally and physically (I refuse to use the word soulmate right now because the term is over-used). I know that person is out there- according to my guides, and I will meet him when the time is right (of course, that is up to the universe. I wouldn't be surprised if I meet this person at age 90.LOL). In the meantime, my mission is to grow strong and be grounded in who I am and begin fulfilling my life's mission to serve and love others.

I am trying to teach myself to be single and be happy with my present life more then 75% of the time. There must be another way for me to live- to be happy and not focus so much energy on 'the great relationship mission'. I know I am more then just a single woman. I am body, spirit, love, mind and perfection. I can live with that. I can learn and live well with that as my foundation. I am ready to start feeling whole as me 100%: no matter how many affirmations, walks in the parks, hugs by my nephew, bad poems or trip around the world it takes. It should be a great adventure.....