Feeling Gloomy - 11's- 22's - Chiron in Cancer

Sorry, guys. I have edited this a few times.. I really don't want to sound so whiny and so needy, I absolutely hate it. But it's come to a breaking point where some things have got to be put down somewhere.... And when it comes down to it, I only share a few things with friends and family. Some of them have small windows of understanding, but they probably aren't going to ever get it totally. What gets me is that some people DO get it, yet they have turned so wicked they are basically just like those who ARE UNAWARE. I hate that. It feels like loss. I know people who I once had many intelligent conversations about many of these subjects discussed here, yet they use and abuse and discard... Carelessly running away from their problems.

Here, is the only place I feel I can get advice that will work for me. Not "it's going to be Ok" or "you'll be fine." Even though that is nice to hear. I need something more.. SPIRITUAL.

But everyone feels down. I am experiencing that desire to "go home" that some of you have recognized. It hurts, seems so far away, yet so close. I am lonely. 11's are not supposed to be lonely, supposedly. That means you are doing something wrong. But why must I be the black sheep in my family? They so don't get me.

In my loneliness, I am being devoured. But I suppose it's my fault. I left Light Workers for awhile, wanted to give up this stuff and try to be normal. But I suppose I am just a freak whether I want to be or not. It sucks.... But then sometimes it is just so awesome to experience some of this stuff, but when you get down about it.... Man, there's just nobody to talk to. I think even my best friends would disown me if they knew some of the shit I am going through right now. Oh well. People are sometimes fake, even the most genuine.....

I'm almost terrified to go to sleep. Nightmares. I've never had nightmares in my whole life! It is bizarre sort of stuff, but people are usually afraid to tell their dreams. They are about demons.... Coming after me, visiting in my sleep. Voices talking to me. Schizophrenia runs in my family, and I am hoping PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HAPPENING TO ME.... Schizophrenia is not fun! I know people that have it and they can't even live a normal life. Hunting for things in the shadows, worrying about the dark corners in a room. Seeing insects running up the walls. Voices in their heads. I am just pleading NO NO NO NO NO NO....

But then a few months ago, around last November, I saw an angel standing in my room. I don't remember the exact details, but I know that it was very tall, with a gold, glittering garment and aura. She (?) was very beautiful, standing in the center of my make-shift room... They all think I'm fucking nuts. =/

And I am currently being eaten up by guilt, anything I think of that I regret in the past just makes me start crying, and I am not talking about the normal crying. Bawling crying. I am so sorry. So very sorry....

Yet I feel as if I am on the right track, just why can't I have someone IN REAL LIFE to talk to about it? Where are you?

I can just sense that others are slandering me and making fun of me. I was never like the others. I never made fun of anyone. I didn't understand it. "Why do you do that?" I didn't get it. . . . I was never much of a liar. Not to say I've been a perfect angel, but I am just not like the others. Sigh. And so much abuse has left me a little jaded. I want that to go away, too.

Anyone else with a Chiron in cancer? That means someone that lives with a lack of love in their life.......

I was feeling so awesome yesterday about church, now I just feel Empty. It goes away so quickly. Why won't it stay. Maybe it's hormones. Who knows.

Just last night, I live away from "home", btw, I had a dream that my stepfather went completely berzerk on my mother and kids to the point where he might harm them... THAT IS DISTURBING... What's going on....

I do and don't wish I was just like the others. But this is lonely. At least I have you guys. Thanks for listening. If you made it this far. And each time I talk about it, it lessens just a little bit more. I have withheld my feelings for many many years. I guess it is about time they start coming out....

Woa. Don't wanna send so much negativity out there.. The good feeling from the church people hasn't totally gone away. It was plenty to think about, and I am not talking about what the pastor said. That was easy to take in. There was stuff missing to his message. I was amazed at how I actually felt CONNECTED to these people, instead of being closed off in my mind while they thought I was just some freak goth kid. or whatever they think of me. I don't know. I am an Empath......I pick up on vibes and hidden thoughts very easily. Not the the exact words, I am not that good! But the vibe. Good or bad.

I don't know. This is helping me. Maybe I'll take it down eventually. Saw someone saying something about bad energies on here? Sorry. Not exactly allowed to show any of these sorts of emotions over here. WHAT'S WRONG?!!!! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!!!!! They totally freak. Idk....

But I can't wait for church sunday. And that is definately the first time I've ever said that. Never been too fond of organized religion. Don't think I'm ready to turn over my tarot cards. They are always so accurate.... IDK... So confused on that. Then there's so many more questions.

Why would God let us be so confused

In revelations, the people are battling the government

Did the government.... weave things into the bible...

Idk.....

Too much to think about. But regardless, the bigger picture is that YES... something is happening. And yes, it's for the greater good.... And I am so positive it's going to happen if we stick together. But it's the getting there that's the hard part.

P.S. Used to be able to write a lot better. I find the ascension is interfering with that. Fellow astrology studiers tease me about being a Gemini... Damn!!!!! XD