heaven on earth

This time I have hit low been put in a prison by my own free choice. I am struggling with emotions and feelings of hurt. The veil thins? what veil? the hurt deepens.... Stuck in 3d world you say as if you are on some other planet. Knowing perfectly well what pain is. Pain is real. And when I wake up at night with palipitations I feel it. " you are ascending" I heard that for so long... Ascending to what? All I want is to love and be loved but im a victim of victims. Yes Yes i know you said to drop that mode of thinking. I tried and I tried, its hard. you should know. My free will wanted me to be a victim. I am the victimizer also. My blog is very spiked with emotion and anger I know there are souls like me out there. I know that one day The light will be mine but right now it seems distant. I have asked for help so many times and at times I got it. I am asking for it again. This time when I really am lost. I dont want to be left out. I have been so many times in my life. At school I was picked on and at home I was witnessed pain, and being a gay arab well, imagine what that would be like. All that I smiled at and said thats what my destiny was, I took it swallowed the pain and smiled. But now... I cant seem to handle it anymore I want to drop this but I dont know how.