hello and fear

Hello to all and especially some old friends. I have been away from the site for quite awhile as my head needed to be fully retrieved from so far up my arse that all I saw was me looking back at me. My life was far worse than a f*cking wreck. Thanks to you who kept hoping I would get it together. The miracle for me was the person I met on this website who has helped me get to where I am today.

I learned the only thing that keeps us from fully living in freedom and joy is fear. Plain and simple. Once I discovered this, I then chose to pursue a life of freedom and joy thereby facing every fear that has stood in my way. Fear of failure, fear of losing my kids, fear of poverty, fear of hatred, fear of losing my family, fear of being alone, fear of dying. So on and so forth. I could continue. As I confronted each fear I realized that to some extent each fear was already in part manifested to some degree and was actively keeping me from joy. Once I realized this I set out to look at what I was creating in every moment. Fear or freedom. This is the so called living in the NOW. Ultimately the choice was mine. I had very strong motivation in the new relationship I was co creating with my boyfriend but stronger still, was the yearning that I suspect we all have to be free.

Bemoaning my life was such an integral part of my day, when I wasn't off daydreaming about when some alien ship was going to come and whisk me away to a land of love and peace. Sharing my woes was so important as I had been in and out of therapy for years for treatment of depression. In the end I realized I was only creating more things to bemoan. I was afraid of looking at what I was creating and taking responsibility for it, and thus created more obstacles for myself.

When I was introduced to tools to question my stories and beliefs I was soooo resistant. I realized I loved the beliefs that were making me miserable. They were my friends. They had always been there. I didn't want to lose them. I was afraid of what my life would look like without fear. I was afraid of freedom.

Things started to improve the more honest I became with myself and what I was creating. I realized I had instilled the same patterns in my children. This was a bit stickier but we have made huge progress as they are now much happier and lighter and grateful. Less toys and more time with their mom...different kids. I was afraid of being a bad mom so I spent very little time with them and gave them stuff to replace me. My fear had created my reality.

The process has been difficult, but isn't everything that is worth it? I have had the opportunity to choose to let go of the old relationship I had with my parents as it was based in fear of not pleasing them. I am now in the process of negotiating a new relationship that works better for myself and the kids.

Ascension, I have found, is not a magic panacea for our pain and problems that we just sit back, laze around, and wait for it to happen to us. Yes, the universe is shifting. It always has been, always will do. This is a damn big shift, there will be others. The universe does not like stagnation. So what is Ascension? In my opinion, it is a process in which we are given the blessed opportunity to face and release all fears that are keeping us from being that which I believe is ascended...Free, Joyful, Peaceful, At ease. Though ultimately, Ascension too is a story much like our identity. A story that is useful to embrace and which then lets go of us, as we face and move beyond those things that no longer serve us. The more free and light I feel, the less I fear in each moment. I think/worry less about ascension, the if's, when's, and how's as all these questions are based in fear.

The story of Ascension, as well as the story of my identity have been, and still are, sometimes useful as they have, and still are, pushing me to look at my fears until there are none left. I cannot release a fear if there is no story of a "me" to be in fear! The true blessing of the Ascension is that it forces us to confront our fears, problems, and pains until we are well and truly tired of the drama we are creating, and are ready to let go of it once and for all!!!! This includes the beautiful dramatic glorious story of Ascension itself!

Much love to all,
Jenn