Treading the Muck

"I feel like we are back in that dark place. A place we just recently escaped from, we are back in it again."

"I feel the same, exact way," he answered to me. It surprised me that he acknowledged this to me and didn't just say I was crazy.

So how do we get out? Just tread the muck until it clears? Swim in place? Pretend there is no muck?

How did we go from being so clear to being back in the confusion?

It's tough. And then you do somthing terrible like snap at your child or each other and then you feel like you just ruined everything and you are not good enough to live in the light anyway and that there is no way back there now.

And then physical pain hits to distract you further.

I always say there is no evil and everything is part of a divine plan. But is there also an anti divine plan? A plan to keep us down and in the darkness? Sometimes, when I am at one of my all time lows, like now, it feels like there must be.
Life keeps hitting hard, blow after blow and I take it and offer the other cheek and try and find the lesson, I feel like I am doing my best but it just keeps pushing.

I know I am doing this to myself but I've had such an awful day everything feels disconnected and disjointed.

I don't feel like I can do anything about it now but sleep. So many of my muscles are just aching. My leg is so screwed up I am walking with a limp. I am trying to find the symbolism in this but I haven't yet. I know something good is going to come out of all of this and I know later I will be grateful for this experience. When you emerge from the darkness the light always looks its brightest. We are going to be fine. We are going to be healed. My children are happy and healthy. All of our needs will be met.

I still have faith in this process and in myself.