My path to self-love

My path to self-love

The first six months of 2008 really led me to myself. As some will know, I started a new work on 2nd January. I was trained to work in an assistance, e.g. I sit at the telephone of an emergency hotline, receive telephone calls and try to help people (f.e. by organising towing service for broke down cars). Already the first call showed me how this kind of work stirs me up. But only when I changed the team I realized how much I feared to fail in this work. Certainly I made mistakes, if you start doing a new work this is only natural. But I panicked more and more, my heart beat like hell and I went to work with the utmost reluctance. I told myself again and again: hang on, there must be something for me to learn. It took some time until I understood: to love myself – unconditionally. The more I tried to love myself, the more mistakes I made. Why oh why did I fear mistakes so much? I kept telling myself that mistakes are natural. It was no use: The fear grew until it turned out to be real panic attacks. Then visions came from former lives, where I was killed because I had made a mistake. This made sense to me and I sent a lot of light and the violet flame into these lives. But nothing changed. Independantly, I had long been considering doing a psychotherapy. Now I took action and during the first lesson, the inventory, the scales fell from my eyes. My mother had died when I was 7 years old. During my whole live I felt guilty for that : Because I had made a (or more) mistake, my mother had left me. Thus the little girl saw it and thus it stayed in my subconscious mind. I contacted my mother and during a very emotional meeting we both asked each other's forgiveness. Shortly after this my boss offered me another job.

Subconscious feelings of guilt can very much keep us from loving ourselves.
When we have problems to love ourselves, we should ask ourselves whether subconscious feelings of guilt could be the reason for that. Often they are buried so much that only really stirring experiences make them conscious.

When we ask for help it is always given to us. Only, it is possible that it turns out to be different than we expected.

My tip for those who have to cross this bottleneck, too: stick with it and above all, listen. Perhaps the solution has already been given to me.