STOP THE FIGHT

hi all.the struggle in my life is still on and some days it is just bout bearable but most days it is soo intense.i feel i dont belong and i ask myself why do i feel like this?i cant go back to my ex girlfreinds as i wouldnt be welcome there anyway and im at my mums where i am also not wanted as my mum has something to say about everything i do and it feels too much.if i am on the fone she wants to know who and why and moans that i am on it.if i am relaxing she feels she has to call me lazy and tell me to stop sitting around her all day.so alot of the time no matter what the weather i take my laptop in the garden like right now where it is cold and she still comes out every now and then to complain and only wants me to look after my little sister all the time and little brother while she goes out.if i help her clean i have done it wrong all the time it is like noone approves of me.every job i have ever had she told me why couldnt i be like my brothers i mean for gods sake i even had my own shop at one time for 3 years and i was still useless.nothing i do is ever good enough.now my older brother is doing the same to me as well.and all they ever say is that i am driving everyone mad and i say but i am not doing anything wrong and they say yes you are you are here and that is enough.i think the only person i can go to is my aunty and now she doesnt want me there anymore and i feel i am trying but noone ever wants me i mean what am i doing wrong.i do not choose to be here and if i had a choice i wouldnt live here and i go to my ex girlfreinds to get oliver and all i ever get is how i have let myself go and i look terrible and she is happy she is away from me now.im down and everyone is having a kick.i suppose i am feeling sorry for myself but i just feel so unwanted and like i belong nowhere.i cant move out as i dont have enuf money to do that right now asi have just paid my ex girlfreinds bills as well and i am so sick of fighting and never getting anywhere.my life is crap and life is supposed to be sacred but i feel mine is a waste.i still work on the fone every day counselling and helping people through there problems and i have oliver when i can and my little brother and sister and i clean up and and i really want to know what is soo wrong about me.i try to be the best person i can but yet i am still a burden to everyone and i dont want to live my life as a burden anymore.things are soo intense and i think to myself how much longer can you take this.will i just continue to pour my pathetic life here hoping someone will or can make it better.will i continue to live each day as it comes for things to be the same.if i had one little thing in my life that was easy or nice then i wouldnt complain but even with oliver it takes so much to have him as if it is not my ex making it difficult i get to my mums for my mum to say she doesnt want it and my aunty to say the same.i left my ex because i was a live in babysitter for 2 n half years and i left there to come to my mums where i thought things would be better but they are not as i am still a live in babysitter for her.i am so sick of every thing and i wish i could say it has been like this since me and my ex split up but it hasnt it has been soo long.in fact my real problems started in 2004 but i thought things would get better but 2008 and things are getting harder.can one human go through there lives with no love and noone to ever talk to apart from a website as these may be the only people who will listen and half the time im sure they get sick of my problems.sorry to burden anyone i just have to write this down to feel like its coming off me a bit.i just want love approval and peace but maybe it is too much.i dont think i can continue for much longer and thats why i write this i fear for my life as i am strong minded and i know one fateful day i will get something in my head and it will be over for me as once in that state there will be no turning back.1 step forward and 20 back will just not do anymore.i will rebel against life and these words here are 4 or more years of struggle pain emotion and fight.someone up there needs to throw in the towel before i lay on the floor and be counted out.