two steps forward and...?

i feel icky today. the last couple of days have been pretty blissful. yesterday my daughter had temper tantrums and my husband cursed at me and it rained when i had to bring the groceries in from the car and i was pretty okay, tranquil even. the mysterious flies that manifest in my house out of thin air appeared and i had no twinges of fear or anger (bug phobia). i felt like i had reached a point where i wouldn't have to feel the lower vibrations of these nasty emotions that have ruled so much of my life...but today i feel icky.

for some time now i have been able to get overwhelmed, call a friend or family member, vent it out without blowing it out of proportion, and move on. even when negative feelings were coming into play i was handling them. they were not over taking me and underneath it all was an overall feeling of love and joy.

the day is only starting but i feel like i am covereed in anger and stress like some kind of sticky goo. woke up to my daughter screaming in my face....made me all grumbly. where were her shoes, we were going to be late, husband forgot to let the dogs out....and all this, which is nothing, is making me feel enraged. what does it feel like physiologically? that is key for me. it takes me out of it when i look at it biologically. it is a tightening in the stomach and it creeps up my throat and if i am not careful it will come out my mouth. i'm trying to be really careful. there does not seem to be a trigger for this one (is it even mine?). it started when i woke up. i did not go to bed this way. i can't remember my dreams. my daughter wakes me up screaming all the time. i can usually deal with it with humor.

someone online said they think i need to learn more lessons and it's true. i know it is true, obviously. but my ego felt really insulted by this and defensive. so i told them to teach me please. i know if my ego is resisting it it is something i need. (and it so totally was- it's funny, you think you have let go, but nope you're still holding on with one hand! i'm so grateful for the lesson).

last night my husband was talking to me about work. he's in trouble for a mistake he made. to make it worse the person who he is in trouble with is a guy who has always insulted him and given him a hard time. i tried to just listen and say nothing but then he said i didn't care and wasn't helping. i asked why he thinks what that guy says bothers him so much and then he said i am still not helping. he said he wanted me to tell him how to say fuck off in a professional way (because I guess I've always been good at that- nice talent eh?). I said I was sorry that I did not know that was what he wanted. I tried to word things for him for his meeting tomorrow but everything I said he told me was wrong. I asked why he thought this kept happening to him in a cycle, maybe we can work on breaking the pattern. he said he knew where that was going to lead him and he did not want to go there. i asked what he wanted to do, really, and he said he wanted to punch the guy in the face and i said well then go ahead and punch him. if that is the only thing that will make you feel better do it. you need to do what you want. he said i was no help at all and stormed away cursing at me. i felt really bad. i worried about him all night. i felt sorry that he had to go through this and that he had to be nervous and worry about things and feel bad about himself. i was also confused. i felt like i had tried every avenue, tried just listening without judgement, tried telling him what he wanted to hear, tried just loving him, tried to do exactly what he told me to and still he was mad at me. maybe that is what did it. or maybe life is showing me how he feels so i can better understand. not sure.

the trees are helping. just beholding them helps me.

the fresh air helps too. unfortunately i do have to get some cleaning done because i am watching my daughter's friend tomorrow and i need to straighten things out (once i learned to let go and do nothing i really took it to an extreme lol). otherwise i would be outside all day. otherwise i might drive to the ocean. a swim in the ocean feels like it would cure this ickiness and wash it away.

i'm trying to sit with it and let it be, and then let it go. i'm trying to breath. i am trying to find things i am grateful for.

there was a dead body of a large cat or a small dog on the road on the way to drop abbie off at school.

my son's smiles are making me feel a little better. babies are so wonderful. no matter what is going on they love you immensely. to him i am the cat's meow.

my daughter usually helps because she is so happy and positive but for the past few days she has been trying to ignite this. she'll look at me and then dump food on the floor. she threw a tantrum at the grocery store because she wanted corn dogs. she woke me up at 6 am screaming that i had to talk to her right now. etcetera.. i think i passed these instances with flying colors, at least for me. yesterday i had a little help. i was really going to let her have it and as i was about to speak the seltzer water i was opening sprayed all over me. thank you to whoever did that ;). so after i cooled off i told her i was not happy about how she acted and that i loved her. she said she'll behave next time. it's like even though i was putting out a better vibe and, as a result, my husband was too, the good vibes are not what she is accustomed to and so she is trying to make it go back to how it was.

i am thinking the key is to feel this way and not act on it. to still be kind and loving despite being covered in this black tar of nastiness. that's what i am shooting for anyway.

writing this has already released a lot of it but my ego is big today...sometimes it feels like it is not even here but today its presence is large.