Experiences

Oh, for the love. I haven't put a blog out here for some time. This last 2 weeks has been strange indeed. Panic attacks, night sweats, muscle spasms, wierd happennings. One minute I am crying the next laughing. I have gained about 15 lbs, almost started smoking again, and in fact did buy a pack, but lit one up and couldn't stand the taste. For that I am grateful. I wake up in the morning feeling like I tied one on the night before, complete with 2 packs of smokes, my chest is so tight. My yard is progressing and I haven't lost my job yet, which I am also fortunate for. Yes, spirit is taking care of me. See, that is what is so amazing. Even when you (I) are (am) at the bottom, and feeling like I am going to just implode, or vaporize, if I just stop for a moment and breathe, I can re-balance myself and know that it will all be ok. I don't know if it is from coming from a heavily german influenced upbringing, very stoic and negative, and no, not to insinuate that german folk are negative...maybe just mine were. I think it came from enduring the hardships and assuming it was "the way it was" My relatives were and are very pragmatic. But every once in a while, I will have an absolute panic and think that the world is surely going to come to an end, because I should be "punished" for not working hard enough, or not communicating clearly enough, constantly going back and critisizing myself and my actions, even though I know deep down I do truely try to do the right thing and sometimes I am tired and maybe it is ok to be tired sometimes and take care of yourself. Am I making any sense at all? I don't know. I do know that when I stop the panic, I feel this blissful feeling in my stomach, chills almost, that radiate up to my heart and I know it will always turn out to be alright. It may not be how I thought it should be (the situation, outcome) but I stopped wishing for things and trying to make things happen a long time ago, and just to go with the flow and accept things as they happen and come along. I feel the love around me and do what I can for the environment and my surroundings - and I suppose every little bit helps. I am noticing subtle shifts in the people around me. Alot of them are coming into their "own" Owning who they are and what they are capable of. It is great to see it happen. Well, spirit, JL and everyone here that reads this, thank you... love, Karen