a day of wind inside of my soul

today was hollow.

not in a macabre kind of way, but in a way that allowed me space to "undecide". i looked at the faces around me with totality, understanding. my buttons were pushed. my soul cried out. i learned how to smile anyway. what is it that i am trying to represent? truth, wisdom, freedom, surpassing illusion, running beyond dreams and hunting down the most impeccaable visions.

right now, there is an ache of existance that i normally feel, at least little. treating eachother well has so very much to do with circumstance. be at peace, and you can choose to always been soothing, rhythmic, harmonic with those around you. be in conflict and you will constantly project that outwards. its so simple i want to laugh, scream, cry hysterically. its not about being "good" or "bad" or "right" or "wrong"....inner peace simply has to do with your own inner LACK OF CONFLICT...aka....lack of duality...aka...you are not ashamed of who you are and what you express to the world.

i have conflict. when my buttons are pushed, it comes out. maybe i dont confront anyone directly, but i sure express my angst to myself in all kinds of moods, and thoughts and sadnesses. why can't i just be? why am i in conflict? why dont i feel whole, and able to laugh at the nonsense that makes me cry? this question is not easy. it hurts, because i know it is all about inner strength.

i am not strong enough to be whole.

that is the truth, and while this site is all about love love love...i am afraid i have to be honest that i am not there yet. i would say that none of us are, totally. i am not yet immune to this world and its harshness, and the life lessons that have been served to me, which continue to get more and more difficult as i wonder how much more i can take?

i would like to be better.
i would like to be whole.
i would like to be what i am.

once, it seemed within my reach. these days, it seems close to impossible.

the ever imperfect
ninja twilight