illusionary dream life

i really have been, am, at this point in my life, a creepy weird boy. i might have a heart and a big one but it was given away, raped and pillaged for small grand pleasures. this is why re self empowerment has been so f*cking hard. just realizing it never was my fault and wasting 2 years of my sovereignty in recognition that all i need to do is make everyone happy, i forgot to make myself happy. and maybe I was.........but I was NEVER joyful. never in LOVE with the moment. always wanting to move forward, always waiting for the next moment, waiting for serenity, salvation even though i'd already achieved it. disease is a bitch but we're here to heal it. contracts no longer make sense. they NEVER did. so much misunderstanding in my personal ring, it's like I gave away my signature (cell pineal gland), or lent it away until supposedly 2011. it's hard to revive from being dead but i'm doing it. it's so much easier than I keep reminding myself but I still feel so much turmoil ahead that I haven't been able to pull through. More burdens that i'm pulling through than i'd like to think but we are that we are and I need to finish someeeeeeee unfinished business. it's going to be nice to feel the inner sun again. even the outer sun will now have something to reflect upon. moons, needles, sex, scandals, black magic turning into white magic all in a heartbeat. i don't think its beat for a while now but i'm ready to come home. where i've always been but shot in outer space for eternity. but now i may live where all may call home. everyone pray for me and a quick return back unto my OWN body. 1 big release coming.

<3