The trees led me to a higher plane

May 13th-
From the eye of the storm you can't reach anyone.
You pick up debris and whirl it.
You wreck everything in your path.
You go in circles.

My new eyes see all the good inside of you
and you see it too.
Ocean waves in slow motion
excite unchanged smiling buddha babies.

Anger and fear are lower emotions, they say. But why are they so damn strong and enticing? Why do they suck us in so that we can't even see a way out?

Anger, fear, stress- it makes a cloud around you. You know there are other things and other people there but you can't reach them. You just keep spinning round and round, like a record skipping- you're in a loop. Forget the cloud, it's more like being in the eye of a tornado with debris flying all around you, destroying everything and everybody in your path.

Why do we get addicted to things that hurt us?

The day started off mindless. Stress about getting to the school trip on time and financial stuff and so we did the anger dance. Who is better than who, who contributes more than who, who's fault everything is. Our kids were there but they looked foggy from inside the storm and we couldn't stop spinning.

But I did stop.

I stopped and saw how pretty the pale green leaves looked reflecting the morning sun. I took in each unique stance of every tree and its many arms reaching upward. I showed this to my children. I breathed. I knew there was no-thing to worry about and it was all just a silly game, a test. I knew even if the worst came of what we stress over everything would still be okay. We have each other. We are alive. The world is beautiful. There is an endless stream of things to be grateful for.

I felt lighter.

And so he was better too.

A nice day in the amusement park. There were lots of trees and the sun was bright. The air was just right.

At first my daughter seemed so lost in her own head though. She was walking into things. She was not talking much like she usually does. She keeps creating more and more imaginary friends. She seemed to be retreating and I felt like I was losing her- my worst fear. This has been going on for several days. (I think I was this way when I was a child)

I almost started weeping when I thought of it.

But then I stopped thinking and I was with her in her experience and we were together and she was herself again. We had a wonderful day, my family and the trees.

It was one of those peak experiences. Everything was new, more solid, more real, more beautiful. Every breath is like a tingly caress. Every groove in every tree's bark said something to me. It's not an escape from the physical world, it is being in it more fully, and loving it. And then when you do you're less physical yourself, I was not tired today, my body was tired. I was not in pain, my body's leg was in pain.

I am patient and loving and fun and spontaneous and it is easy. Parenting is easy. Cleaning up does not have to be miserable. Where you are is good when you just stop wishing you were some place else.

And my daughter was happy and secure again and my husband was a good father. The baby- well, he remained the unchanged smiling buddha that he is.

After the park I wanted to see the ocean and my husband took me. Before today I don't htink he would have but I knew it was okay for him to do something for me and for me to be loved.

On the way I started a few conversations and got the usual one word answers. I've been feeling for some time that he gives me the quickest answersin order to connect with me as little as possible. I got sad for a moment even though every breath was still filling me with spirit, but then I let my saddness go. It was okay if he didn't want to talk. He was okay just as he is. And then he put his arm around me as if he knew what I had decided.

My new eyes see all that is good inside of him and when I see it he sees it too.
Seeing the best possibility for someone and choosing it and then they come with you into this reality- that is what healing is. I've always known my thoughts make my reality but I've always had such a hard time controlling them...

So the children were asleep in the car on the way to the shore and I was quiet, just breathing and enjoying the essence of my family and all those wild shades of green on the roadside. When we got to the beach we carried the kids onto the sand so they woke up seeing the ocean. The baby just looked with his furrowed brow like he was trying to figure it out. My daughter was excited to be there. She dug in the sand with seashells. The waves moved in slow motion. We were not there long, time wise, but it was very cleansing.

We hit no traffic on the way home even though we took a major highway at rush hour. ;)