Please Read This. Thank You.

Time spent here was a valuable part of my spiritual growth. However, as I continue to grow, to learn about myself in therapy, and to reclaim the self I had cast aside 40 years ago, my path takes me elsewhere. God continues to present lessons I believe are best faced within more traditional Christianity framework, the ultimate lesson being that of forgiveness. Given the high level of awareness here, I doubt this is new information.

Despite all efforts otherwise, I feel, repeat, feel bad deep at my core. Ninety percent of the time, I feel I am doing something wrong, and if the activity is not bad or wrong, I still feel judged for not doing something better or more profitable for growth. It is as if I am constantly monitored with distain, watched, judged, criticized, and condemned first by my father, then by my ex wife, and now I project that role on to God.

As hard as this is to admit and accept, I believe my path must take me to the foot of the cross of Jesus. Try as I might, new thoughts, alternative theology, metaphysical thinking, etc. takes me further away from my destination. Already my mind is on the playground suggesting that my healing involves discerning right from wrong.

NO! It is in my heart. Whether true or false, I FEEL like I was born with a broken soul, damaged, and sick. That has been and still is my experience, and traditional Christianity concurs. Jesus came to call the lost and to heal the sick. I qualify.

I have rambled--probably because I have been writing this inside for a few weeks now. I was about to cancel my membership but just prior to doing so, I remembered that I always run away at times like this. You see, just making this decision--and I am not sure what decision I am making--is a huge step forward for me. I am on my own now. The abuse is over! It is finally, finally over. I don't have to be bullied any more. She can't hurt me any more. It is over. Even as painful as it was, it hurts.

I love you guys. You took me in and loved me from the beginning. You wrapped me in light and held me. It is so hard to know what I want and do not want. Can I please stay. I may not fit in, but I want to stay in your love. Through tears, I hope this is not a ridiculous post.

With Love, Gratitude, and as much Light as Ever There Is,
Larry