Personal Journey of the Orgasm

The orgasm has changed in meaning and experience as time has passed by. When I first started exploration as a teenager, I could not orgasm. I felt pleasure but there was more of a curiosity about the whole sensual experience. I took to it like a scientist and tried to figure out what textures worked for me and what objects would work for me. Sex and sexuality was not a high priority for me. I never admitted to my friends that I could not orgasm. I think we all pretended to orgasm, in hindsight. None of us wishing to admit that we didn't know what an orgasm was. While I was very spiritual, there was no connection between my body, specifically this aspect of my body's capacity, to the spiritual.

When I got a little bit older, I became voracious to know... to experience. But, I could not orgasm, still. I pretended even more to my friends that I could experience this elusive thing called the orgasm. I tried an embarrassing amount of partners. Afraid to actually have sex but over-eager to explore oral sex. Maybe my partners didn't know what they were doing and maybe I didn't know how to get out of my head and stop analyzing each feeling and where I should be. When I started having sex, my first partner was a decade older than me and into the karma sutra. It was explosive and fun. Our first encounter, I had 4 orgasms in the first 10 minutes. I didn't know what to do with myself and probably showed my inexperience. But still, it felt mechanical. Both of us were systematically trying to make sex a truly pleasurable experience for the body. It was completely devoid of all spirituality. I felt filled but wholly unfulfilled and I don't think I could have ever articulated what was missing. I simply did not know.

As time passed, I became preoccupied with the orgasm and sex. I tried more partners than I had wanted to and held no high regard for my body. It was a dirty, ugly tool that I used to make myself feel good temporarily. I suppose it was the way some people use drugs. I never did have an orgasm after my first partner. For years I would climb up the ladder of pleasure but never become the stars. I found that I could sustain this high level of pleasure but never, ever orgasm. I was satisfied with this but when I became much more healthy emotionally and spiritually, I found myself left with dissatisfaction. I stopped having sex and struggled with feeling dirty and wrong about the whole experience.

I tried a one night stand, the first and only one. It was a truly spiritual experience. The partner was less than attentive and bordered on abusive. I was thoroughly uncomfortable but my spirit was transported elsewhere. I experienced Universe in glimpses and understood what it was to fly that night. I was soaring high all night despite the lack of an orgasm. I positively glowed for a week afterwards, with a dumb smile on my face and an eagle feather in my hand. I felt truly blessed and realized that there was something more to an orgasm, to sex in general.

My last partner was my ex-fiance, Alex. Regardless of whether we were in it for fun in the beginning and it just naturally happened or that the stars aligned for us and we were both subconsiously seeking the same spiritual experience from sex, it did happen for us. Together we experienced sacred sex and tantra. It started out as two bodies melding into one, just for short amounts of time... that place where one cannot differentiate between bodies. Then, it progressed until our emotions mingled together and we could see each other's soul's making love in the astral plane at the same time. Fascinated but unable to really put words into it or find anyone that understood what was happening, tantra just fell into our laps. On Christmas, the final merge happened where our souls were making love and they shot up into the Universe and exploded into a million stars and it was one breathing consciousness of bliss. Everything and nothing at the same time. One heart, one soul, one body.

The first tantric experience was spontaneous and only lasted for 6 hours. But 6 hours! The air was electric and even when we stopped after those six hours, our bodies were shaking with the energy. Unable to stop touching each other, it was so intense. We continued again for another 3 hours. It was delayed orgasm or rather, one long orgasm that lasted for hours. When pleasure reaches this plateau, that is when time extends. It is how I found that the orgasm and pleasure is the pathway to Creation.

Now, I fully understand that my body is the temple of Divine. My body is a tool designed for this purpose, the purpose of enlightenment... of Love.

When we split up, I became very celibate and my sex drive dropped off the face of the planet. For two years. Two years and not a single desire. I thought that something was wrong with me although I knew whatever process this was, was very spiritual. My kundalini had begun awakening when my ex-fiance and I met and our sexual experiences were a huge catalyst for it to explode further. Unfurled it inside of me and created a dynamic inside where my body just wanted to retain this energy. But, after two years, I began thinking something was wrong with me. For the six months after those two years, I struggled with masturbation. I would get myself to orgasm but it felt hollow, empty and lacked the spiritual depth that I was seeking. I always wanted to cry from the despair that I felt afterwards.

Now, my sex drive is pretty low but I can enjoy orgasm. Most of the time, I see this golden mandala explode and surround me and go through me when I orgasm. I could not explain the feeling in any other way. I hold myself sacred and I hold my body sacred and am unwilling to share my body with someone who cannot understand the sacredness behind the orgasm and the human body. The orgasm and the human body is Divine and sacred. To share with another person is truly... a gift designed for us all to experience. With the right partner(s) that hold sex and the orgasm with as much respect as it requires. Love, Trust, Surrender.